We need to rekindle our bromance
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
