i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
