she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
