I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
