mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
