Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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