That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
And then he peed in my hair
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