He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
