I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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