The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
