someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
