So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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