I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
