pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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