Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
