Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
