Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't turn off my feet"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
