I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
