Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize