I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
