He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
