Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
