Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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