i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
