Whod you bang
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
