yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
