My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What did we do last night that was yellow?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
