toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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