I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
