areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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