Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
