I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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