Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You are a genius and a whore.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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