I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
