first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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