My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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