OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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