Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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