For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
