You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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