His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
