true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He felt like a one man threesome
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
