im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
