The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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