hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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