never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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