I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
