Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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