That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
