Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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