Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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