woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
