smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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