if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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