I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
