just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
