I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
