I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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