i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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