i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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