I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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