The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
