i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
