In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
