i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
